How The Enneagram and Mindful Awareness Strengthen Connection | Amanda Ford | #155
Personality frameworks are everywhere, but few spark as many honest conversations as the Enneagram. In our talk with therapist and educator Amanda Ford, we explore how nine core types can clarify our patterns, triggers, and motives so we show up better for our partners. Rather than boxing people in, the Enneagram becomes a mirror: Do I lead with head, heart, or body? What looks like stubbornness might be a body type’s need for stability; what sounds distant could be a head type’s need to process; what seems intense may be a heart type’s bid for connection. When couples learn these lenses, they stop taking differences so personally and start translating each other’s language. Insight shifts reactions from “Why won’t you talk?” to “You need time to think. Let’s reconnect at 7.”
Amanda connects personality to mindfulness, and this is where change sticks. Mindfulness is not a buzzword; it’s embodied awareness that lets you notice a clenched jaw before a sharp word, or a racing mind before a shutdown. She teaches yoga to teens in residential care and sees how breath, movement, and stillness rebuild trust with the self. The same holds in marriage: pausing to feel your body grants you one beat to choose curiosity over criticism. A simple routine—two slow breaths, name the emotion, name the need—can interrupt harsh startup and open space for repair. Pair that with the “How We Feel” app or a feelings wheel and you’ll expand your emotional vocabulary, which lowers defensiveness and invites empathy.
Values work ties it together. Borrowing from Brené Brown, Amanda urges couples to name their top two values right now and then find evidence of living them. If you pick connection and growth, where do those show up? Where are the gaps? Value-based requests change the tone: “I’m angry we’re late” becomes “I value dependability and calm starts; can we leave 10 minutes earlier next time?” Nonviolent Communication offers a structure—observe, feel, need, request—that turns blame into clarity. When anger arises, ask what value is protected underneath. Often it’s care, safety, or respect. Naming that value helps your partner meet you without defending against judgment.
Compatibility gets a fresh definition too. Drawing on research, Amanda outlines three dimensions: practical (daily rhythms and chores), wavelength (shared values and meaning), and intimacy (sexual and affection needs). You don’t need to be twins; you need respect and alignment where it matters most. A runner and a yogi can be deeply compatible if both prize health and restoration. A driven achiever (Type Three) can thrive with a peacemaker (Type Nine) when they honor ambition and calm as complementary strengths. Acceptance beats conversion. When partners stop trying to fix each other and start seeing the value beneath each habit, goodwill returns and motivation rises naturally.
Finally, repair is a practice, not a personality. Use love maps to stay updated on your partner’s inner world—what’s hard, what’s exciting, what’s changing. When distance creeps in, start small: a mindful breath together, a genuine question, a softer tone. Remember Terry Real’s wisdom—anything said in harshness can be said better in love. The Enneagram offers maps, mindfulness grants steering, and values set the destination. Together they build resilience, compassion, and a marriage that feels warm, safe, and alive.