How Grief impacts Indentity, Love, and Daily Life | Alexandra Carroll | #153
Grief touches every corner of life, yet many of us still treat it like a problem to solve or a staircase to climb. This conversation reframes grief as a lifelong, shifting experience that moves like a spiral, not a straight line. Alexandra Carroll, a grief advocate and author, shares how the sudden loss of her mother reshaped her identity, her marriage, and the way she parents. She explains why the five stages are observations, not a prescription, and why adding meaning-making matters. The goal isn’t to “finish” grief but to live with it honestly while protecting your energy and nurturing your closest bonds.
One essential shift is understanding that grief is universal, but each person’s experience is deeply personal. Your history, relationship with the deceased, culture, age, coping habits, and even the circumstances of death shape what grief looks like. Two people can lose the same person and grieve entirely differently, like a spouse mourning a life partner while an adult child mourns a parent and best friend. That’s why blanket advice and timelines backfire. Expect a unique response, expect triggers at holidays and anniversaries, and expect the spiral to tighten at times, then soften. Naming a grief calendar helps couples prepare for tender dates and show up with extra care when it counts most.
Support, done well, is more presence than patter. The most common missteps are attempts to fix, compare, explain, or contain pain with platitudes. “I know exactly how you feel,” “They’re in a better place,” or “You’re not over this yet” can isolate a grieving person. Instead, practice active listening: talk less, listen more, ask for stories, welcome tears, and sit in silence when needed. Simple lines like “I’m so sorry you’re carrying this” or “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here” validate the weight. Relationally, this attunement builds trust. Practically, it means showing up, holding a hand, or handling dinner on hard days. Presence is the medicine.
Self-kindness is the scaffolding that keeps you steady when waves rise. It doesn’t have to look like luxury wellness. Outsource where you can to free time and mental load: cleaning help, grocery delivery, a handyman to tackle lingering tasks. Reclaim quiet moments away from screens to let emotions surface without being drowned by noise. Try “grief fasting”: take breaks from social media and from processing itself so your nervous system can reset. Swap heroic self-care for small, repeatable practices: a lingering shower, a short walk, earlier bedtimes, a coffee in the sun, a movie that makes you laugh. These modest rituals send a steady message: I matter, even now.
Grief and marriage can coexist when partners respect the empty chair at the table. The lost person’s presence will live in the relationship, and that’s not a flaw to fix. Partners can sustain closeness by accepting that priorities may shift, identities may evolve, and the relationship will need to stretch. Be willing to change, renegotiate roles, and deepen empathy during the grief calendar’s hotspots. You can’t fill the void, but you can increase warmth and meaning around it. That can look like planning gentler weeks around anniversaries, honoring the loved one with a story or tradition, or simply giving permission to rest without guilt.
Finally, meaning is the quiet sixth movement of grief. After shock, anger, bargaining, sadness, and acceptance, many ask: who am I now and what matters next? Meaning doesn’t erase loss; it integrates love into a life that’s still unfolding. Alexandra found meaning by writing, advocating, and redefining home and celebration without her mother. She reminds us that grief is not pain alone; it is love seeking a place to land. When we listen well, protect our energy, and allow change, that love finds form in new rituals, deeper bonds, and a kinder pace that keeps connection alive.