Your Baby Deserves Parents That Love Each Other | Julie Blackburn | #134

The Transition to Parenthood: Keeping Your Relationship Strong

The arrival of a baby brings immense joy, but it also presents significant challenges for couples. According to research by Dr. John Gottman, a staggering 67% of couples become unhappy with each other during the first three years of their baby's life. This statistic is concerning not just for the parents' relationship but also for the child's emotional development. As Julie Blackburn, a registered nurse, midwife, and Bringing Baby Home specialist trainer explains, the quality of the parents' relationship directly impacts the baby's wellbeing.

The transition to parenthood changes us fundamentally. It shifts our roles, dreams, and goals, giving us new titles and responsibilities. Yet most of us enter this journey as "gifted amateurs," equipped only with knowledge from our own childhoods or what we've observed around us. This is where evidence-based programs like Bringing Baby Home become invaluable, focusing not just on "the birth, belly, and boobs," but on the relationship between parents and how this affects the developing child.

One of the most significant challenges new parents face is navigating differences in parenting styles. These differences often stem from our upbringing and experiences, which influence our approach without us even realizing it. The key to navigating these differences, according to Blackburn, lies in what she calls "the secret sauce" of a healthy relationship: maintaining friendship, regulating conflict, and creating opportunities for shared meaning. Yielding to win – sometimes giving up our own preferences to achieve a better outcome – becomes essential in creating a cooperative rather than competitive parenting environment.

Another crucial aspect of maintaining a strong relationship after having a baby is avoiding the gatekeeping that often happens, particularly from mothers. While women tend to support other women during pregnancy and early motherhood, this can inadvertently alienate fathers from the parenting process. Criticism of how dads handle baby care can drive them away from involvement. As Blackburn colorfully explains, when her Navy husband criticized how she ironed his uniform early in their marriage, she never ironed it again. Similarly, when dads feel criticized about their parenting, they may withdraw from active participation.

This withdrawal has serious implications. Research shows that when a mother is unhappy, her baby doesn't retreat from her, but when a father is unhappy, especially in his relationship with the mother, a profound gap can develop between him and his child. Yet there's no evidence suggesting mothers are inherently better parents than fathers. In fact, research indicates that a father's engagement, particularly through play, is vital to a child's healthy development, affecting everything from temperament and self-regulation to self-esteem and academic performance.

Prevention is better than cure when it comes to keeping both parents actively involved. This means maintaining a strong friendship, being kind to each other, and expressing appreciation and gratitude. Using resources like the Gottman card deck app can help couples maintain meaningful connections by prompting conversations beyond daily logistics and providing structured ways to express needs without criticism.

For military families, these challenges are amplified. The unique demands of military life – frequent moves, deployments, and distance from extended family – make intentional connection even more crucial. Military personnel may go from environments of high stress and danger to the intimate setting of pregnancy and childrearing, requiring significant adaptability. Without proper tools for maintaining connection, these transitions can negatively impact both the relationship and the children.

The most powerful takeaway from Blackburn's expertise is simple yet profound: healthy relationships don't just happen. They require consistent effort and intentional action. In the challenging journey of parenthood, kindness emerges as the foundation – being kind to yourself and kind to each other. As another expert puts it, sometimes we must choose between being right and having peace. By maintaining friendship, showing appreciation, and avoiding criticism, couples can navigate the transition to parenthood while keeping their relationship strong – giving their baby the greatest gift of all: parents who still love each other.