Dating with Purpose: From Single to Successful Couple | Stacy Hubbard | #143

Dating is challenging, whether you're looking for casual connections or seeking a lifelong partner. In a recent episode of Stronger Marriage Connection, marriage and family therapist Stacey Hubbard shared valuable insights about healthy dating practices based on the renowned Gottman Method.

Hubbard, who developed the "Lessons in Love for Singles" workshop after a doorman in Manhattan asked if he could attend a couples workshop, explains that the science behind successful relationships applies to singles too. The foundation of any healthy relationship begins with friendship, which is why taking things slowly is crucial. This approach allows individuals to develop genuine connections before becoming blinded by what Hubbard calls the "oxytocin haze" of early romance.

According to Gottman research, the initial honeymoon phase typically lasts between six months to a year and a half. During this period, our brains are flooded with feel-good chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin, which make us more trusting—sometimes prematurely. Hubbard emphasizes that this is precisely why slowing down is important: "When you have high levels of oxytocin, you are more trusting. That's why it's important to take things slow, to not rush into a bigger commitment in that early honeymoon phase."

The Gottman approach identifies three distinct phases in relationships. The first is limerence or the honeymoon phase, characterized by intense attraction and preoccupation with your partner. The second crucial phase is trust-building, where couples determine if their partner truly has their back. This is where the most conflict typically occurs as people navigate questions like "Am I important to you?" and "Do I matter?" The final phase is commitment, where partners actively choose to stay together through difficulties.

Hubbard shares that many couples make the mistake of jumping from the honeymoon phase directly to commitment without adequately building trust. This often leads to relationship struggles that require backtracking to establish the trust foundation. She recalled working with an engaged couple who realized they needed to slow down and build trust before marriage.

One powerful tool Hubbard recommends is developing what she calls a "positive habit of mind." This involves actively scanning your environment and relationships for what's good and right rather than focusing on flaws and problems. Remarkably, research from Israel indicates that people who maintain this positive outlook may live up to seven years longer than those with a negative bias.

For singles navigating the dating landscape, Hubbard suggests focusing on discovering someone's "unique value" rather than just their "mate value." Mate value refers to immediate physical attraction, while unique value develops over time as you discover someone's personality, values, interests, and character. Her own love story exemplifies this approach—meeting her husband at a CrossFit gym, developing a friendship through group activities, and gradually discovering their compatibility before dating and eventually marrying.

Even as a highly trained marriage therapist, Hubbard acknowledges that marriage still requires work. She emphasizes the importance of repair tactics in relationships—saying things like "I didn't mean for it to come out that way" or "Can we talk?"—to maintain connection during difficult moments. The Gottman research shows that successful couples dedicate at least six hours per week to their relationship through various activities, from date nights to brief daily check-ins.

Whether you're single or married, these evidence-based principles can help you build healthier relationships. By focusing on friendship first, taking time to build trust, developing a positive habit of mind, and dedicating time to your relationships, you're more likely to find and maintain fulfilling connections.