Unpacking Bad Marriage Advice | Monica Tanner | #144

Relationship coach Monica Tanner returns to discuss her new book "Bad Marriage Advice: 15 Myths That Are Keeping You Miserable" and challenges conventional wisdom that may be damaging marriages. She explores how common advice like "happy wife, happy life" and "don't sweat the small stuff" creates imbalanced relationships, poor communication patterns, and prevents couples from addressing issues before they become serious problems.

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When it comes to marriage advice, we've all heard the classics: "Happy wife, happy life," "Don't sweat the small stuff," and "Marriage is all about compromise." These pithy sayings have been passed down through generations, offered at wedding receptions, and reinforced in pop culture. But what if much of this well-meaning wisdom is actually keeping couples stuck, frustrated, and disconnected?

Relationship coach Monica Tanner thinks it's time to challenge these marriage myths. In her new book, "Bad Marriage Advice: 15 Myths That Are Keeping You Miserable," she tackles popular but problematic relationship advice that couples often cling to, despite the damage it causes. Having worked with countless couples and leveraging 23 years of personal marriage experience, Tanner has identified patterns of harmful beliefs that prevent couples from achieving true connection and satisfaction.

Take "Happy wife, happy life," for example. On the surface, it sounds sweet—a husband prioritizing his wife's happiness. But dig deeper, and you'll find several problems with this approach. First, it places an enormous burden on women to maintain the emotional atmosphere of the home. If mama's not happy, everybody suffers—creating pressure and sometimes resentment. Second, it encourages men to silence their own needs and desires, leading to disengagement over time. Perhaps most destructively, it fosters lazy communication patterns where one partner's preferences consistently dominate while the other's remain unexpressed. Tanner suggests replacing this with "Happy spouse, happy house," emphasizing that both partners' happiness matters equally.

Another myth Tanner challenges is the idea that "Divorce is not an option." While commitment is valuable, this rigid stance can actually prevent couples from addressing serious issues in their relationship. When partners believe they're stuck no matter what, they may stop putting in effort to grow together and improve their connection. This explains why many long-married couples find themselves virtual strangers once the children leave home—they've built their relationship around parenting but neglected their partnership. Having an "out" doesn't mean you'll take it; rather, it motivates both partners to continuously invest in creating a relationship worth staying in.

Perhaps most surprising is Tanner's take on compromise. Conventional wisdom tells us marriage is all about compromise—giving up some of what you want so your partner can have some of what they want. But Tanner argues this approach leaves both partners perpetually unsatisfied. Instead, she advocates for collaboration, which begins with curiosity: "Why do I feel so strongly about this? Why does my partner feel so strongly about their position?" When couples understand the underlying needs and values behind their preferences, they can brainstorm creative solutions that honor what matters most to both of them. With today's abundant resources and options, there's rarely a need to settle for less than what truly works for both partners.

For newlyweds, Tanner recommends establishing a relationship with a coach or counselor early—before problems arise. This preventative approach helps couples develop communication skills, conflict resolution techniques, and a deeper understanding of their dynamics from the start. More importantly, it creates a trusted resource they can return to when challenges inevitably emerge, rather than waiting the average six years of misery before seeking help.

One of the most pervasive myths Tanner addresses is "Don't sweat the small stuff." While seemingly sensible advice encouraging partners not to nitpick, this approach ignores how small irritations grow into major resentments over time. "Where do you think the big stuff comes from?" Tanner asks. "It comes from the small stuff." Rather than ignoring minor issues, couples should develop skills to address them respectfully when they're still small—preventing them from becoming relationship-threatening problems later.

Ultimately, Tanner's work focuses on helping couples unlearn harmful patterns often rooted in childhood experiences. Many people operate on autopilot, replicating the relationship dynamics they witnessed growing up or developed as survival mechanisms. Breaking these cycles requires awareness, curiosity, and willingness to examine how past experiences shape current reactions. As Tanner's mentor Terry Real says, "Show me the thumbprint and I'll tell you about the thumb"—our childhood experiences leave lasting imprints on how we respond to relationship triggers.

The key to a stronger marriage, according to Tanner, is consciousness and communication—truly understanding yourself and your partner, remaining curious, and effectively sharing what you discover. Most importantly, she emphasizes that "happily ever after" is possible when couples believe in it and embrace marriage as a "people-growing machine" that helps them become their best selves through vulnerable mutual self discovery.

Chapters:

0:00 - Introduction
01:06 - Welcome back Monica Tanner
02:13 - The New Book: Bad Marriage Advice
04:19 - Bad Marriage Advice Examples
05:42 - A Happy Wife makes A Happy Life?
07:46 - What do older couples struggle with?
09:56 - The Problem with Compromise
13:44 - Advice for Newlyweds
16:46 - When do we know we need help?
17:48 - Which myths are the most stubborn?
19:31 - How do people overcome old habits?
25:18 - Cultural Anchors?
27:10 - Monica's Resources
28:03 - What is the key to a stronger marriage connection?
28:56 - Monica's Takeaway
29:54 - Liz's Takeaway
30:23 - Dave's Takeaway

• "Happy wife, happy life" places too much responsibility on women for the emotional atmosphere while encouraging men to silence their own needs
• "Divorce is not an option" can prevent couples from growing and making necessary changes when they believe they're stuck regardless of effort
• Instead of compromise where nobody gets what they want, try collaboration through curiosity about each other's underlying needs
• Newlyweds should establish a relationship with a coach/counselor early as prevention rather than waiting for crisis
• "Don't sweat the small stuff" ignores how minor irritations become major resentments—address issues while they're still small
• Most relationship patterns stem from childhood programming and past experiences that shape automatic reactions
• The key to stronger marriages is consciousness (understanding yourself and your partner) and effective communication
• Happily ever after is possible when couples view marriage as a "people-growing machine" that helps them become their best selves Find Monica Tanner's book at badmarriageadvice.com or learn more about her work at monicatanner.com.