Discernment Counseling: For Couples on The Brink of Divorce | Dr. Steve Harris | #139
Marriage is a journey filled with ups and downs, but what happens when those downs lead to serious thoughts of divorce? Dr. Steve Harris, professor and marriage therapist at the University of Minnesota, has developed a groundbreaking approach called "discernment counseling" that helps couples facing this exact dilemma. Through his work with the Minnesota Couples on the Brink Project, Dr. Harris has created a structured method to help couples gain clarity about whether their marriage can be saved or if divorce is the best path forward.
The need for discernment counseling emerged from fascinating research Dr. Harris conducted with colleagues. They discovered that among couples already in the divorce court system, approximately 30% had at least one partner who didn't actually want the divorce. Even more surprisingly, in about 10% of cases, both partners indicated they would be open to reconciliation if certain changes could be made. These findings revealed a significant gap in traditional therapy approaches – what happens when one spouse wants to work on the marriage while the other is leaning toward divorce? Traditional couples therapy assumes both partners are committed to improving the relationship, but what about these "mixed-agenda couples" where ambivalence and uncertainty cloud the decision-making process?
Discernment counseling distinguishes itself from traditional marriage counseling in a fundamental way. While couples therapy focuses on helping partners bond, connect, and improve their relationship, discernment counseling has a different goal entirely: helping couples gain clarity and confidence in their decision about the future of their marriage. It creates a structured space where ambivalence is acceptable and both partners can explore their options without pressure to immediately commit to either staying together or divorcing. Dr. Harris compares this approach to medical diagnosis – before jumping into treatment (couples therapy), discernment counseling helps determine what's really happening and whether treatment is the right path forward.
At the heart of discernment counseling are what Dr. Harris calls the "three paths" that couples facing marital crisis can take. Path One is continuing the status quo – maintaining the marriage as it currently exists without significant intervention. Path Two is pursuing divorce or separation. Path Three involves a commitment to six months of intensive work on the marriage, taking divorce off the table temporarily while both partners engage in personal growth and relationship repair. During discernment counseling, couples explore all three paths deeply, considering the implications, benefits, and challenges of each option. This structured approach gives partners a framework for thinking about their options beyond the binary "stay or go" mentality that often dominates divorce discussions.
The format of discernment counseling is highly structured, typically lasting one to five sessions. Each session begins with both partners together, then moves to individual conversations with each spouse, and concludes with a brief joint meeting where each person shares what they're taking away from the session. This unique format allows for both individual reflection and couple dialogue. During individual portions, the counselor helps each person identify their personal contributions to the marital problems and potential areas for growth. A key insight from this work is that most people easily recognize their partner's contributions to marital problems but have less awareness of their own role – discernment counseling helps balance this perspective.
The results of discernment counseling are encouraging. According to Dr. Harris, about 51% of couples who complete the process choose Path Three – committing to six months of work on their marriage. Of those, approximately 70-75% successfully repair their relationships. Even among couples who ultimately choose divorce (about 29%), the process helps them develop better understanding and communication, potentially leading to healthier co-parenting relationships. The remaining couples (about 19%) choose Path One – continuing their current situation but with greater awareness and intentionality. For many couples, the process helps them recognize that their marital problems aren't solely their partner's fault but reflect dynamics they've co-created.
Discernment counseling offers hope for marriages on the brink by providing a structured approach to decision-making during one of life's most challenging crossroads. If you're wondering whether your marriage can be saved or if divorce is the right choice, consider seeking a trained discernment counselor. As Dr. Harris emphasizes, "Just because someone is thinking about divorce does not mean that divorce is inevitable." Sometimes, with the right guidance and personal commitment to growth, couples can find their way back to a healthy, fulfilling relationship.