Navigating Relationship Conflict: Healing Through Connection | Dr. Ryan Seedall | #131

Understanding the Dance of Connection: Insights from Dr. Ryan Seedall

In our latest podcast episode, we had the privilege of speaking with Dr. Ryan Seedall, a licensed marriage and family therapist with over 20 years of experience and the director of the Marriage and Family Therapy Program at Utah State University. His insights into relationship dynamics offer valuable guidance for couples seeking to strengthen their connection.

One of the most illuminating aspects of our conversation centered around Dr. Seedall's observation that healthy relationships aren't merely characterized by the absence of negativity—they're built on a foundation of positive interactions. Many couples who come to therapy focus exclusively on fixing problems, overlooking the importance of rekindling what brought them together in the first place. Dr. Seedall emphasized how crucial it is for couples to remember their origin story and find ways to revive those positive patterns of interaction, even if they need to be updated for their current life circumstances.

The demand-withdraw pattern emerged as a key topic in our discussion. This destructive cycle occurs when one partner pursues or demands engagement during conflict while the other withdraws. As Dr. Seedall explained, "The more I pursue, the more she withdraws. And the more she withdraws, the more I pursue." This pattern creates a self-perpetuating cycle that prevents resolution. Interestingly, research shows this pattern isn't strictly gendered—it's more about who cares most about the particular issue. Breaking this cycle often requires negotiated timeouts, where both partners agree to pause but commit to returning to the conversation at a specific time, allowing the withdrawer space while reassuring the pursuer that their concerns will be addressed.

Attachment theory provides another framework for understanding relationship dynamics. Dr. Seedall introduced the concept of "signal and respond," which describes how partners communicate their needs and respond to each other's bids for connection. In secure relationships, partners signal their needs clearly and respond sensitively to their partner's signals. This dance of attunement addresses the fundamental question in relationships: "Will you be there for me when things go right or when things go wrong?"

When discussing anger in relationships, Dr. Seedall offered a refreshing perspective. Rather than viewing anger as inherently destructive, he frames it as a signal or protest that something isn't right in the relationship. The problem isn't anger itself but how it's expressed—when it transforms into contempt or hostility, it becomes damaging. Healthy anger communicates "this happened and it's not okay and we need to deal with it" without attacking the partner's character or worth.

Modern relationship challenges have evolved over Dr. Seedall's two decades of practice. While some concerns remain constant (infidelity, parenting issues), technology has introduced new complexities. Conflict conducted through text messages loses crucial nonverbal cues that comprise up to 90% of communication. Additionally, mixed-faith marriages and increased awareness of trauma's impact on relationships represent emerging challenges that couples must navigate.

Perhaps most encouraging was Dr. Seedall's emphasis on early intervention. Couples who address issues when they arise—even seemingly trivial matters like disagreements about the TV remote—prevent patterns from becoming entrenched. As he noted, "The thing that's the hardest is when couples have let things fester for 10, 20 years... by then that reservoir of caring and that love, it doesn't feel the same."

Dr. Seedall concluded with a powerful message about attunement and vulnerability. True connection requires both partners to be present, attentive, and responsive to each other's emotional states. When one partner takes the risk of being vulnerable and the other responds with warmth and understanding, it creates deeper intimacy. This cycle of vulnerability and attunement builds the secure attachment that forms the foundation of lasting love.