Ben Kroff shares his insights and expertise to saving your marriage and relationship.
Couples rarely get stuck because they lack “communication skills.” More often, they get stuck because the relationship doesn’t feel emotionally safe in the moment conflict shows up. In this conversation with licensed marriage and family therapist Ben Croft, we dig into Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and the attachment lens that explains why small moments can trigger huge reactions. When you feel seen, held, and understood, tools like active listening actually work. When you don’t, your brain and body shift into protection, and you end up attacking, defending, pursuing, or withdrawing. That’s why marriage counseling and couples therapy must address emotion and connection, not just behavior.
EFT simplifies attachment into patterns many couples recognize immediately: anxious pursuit, avoidant withdrawal, and secure connection. Ben offers an easy mantra that captures the goal: be with, don’t chase, don’t run. Under pressure, pursuers often protest for closeness because they fear disconnection, while withdrawers step back to avoid criticism or feeling like they can’t get it right. The shift is noticing the cycle as the enemy rather than treating your partner as the problem. When a couple can name the pursue withdraw cycle in real time, the fight stops being “you vs me” and becomes “us vs the pattern,” which is a powerful turning point for improving marriage communication.
A major theme is that repeated arguments are usually “content traps.” Couples circle the same topics, finances, sex, parenting, or in-laws, but the deeper question stays unanswered: “Are you there for me?” Ben highlights the EFT idea of ARE: Accessible, Responsive, and Engaged. When partners respond defensively, they fail the ARE test and the nervous system escalates. When partners respond with presence and curiosity, even hard topics become workable. Conflict itself is not proof you married the wrong person. It is often a signal that something tender needs attention, and repair after conflict is what builds long-term relationship trust.
Ben also connects today’s reactions to family of origin experiences using a genogram, a three-generation family map that reveals raw spots like being unseen, over-responsible, or chronically criticized. Those old injuries get activated in marriage, and suddenly two adults feel like “babies in big bodies” fighting for safety. The most practical takeaway is to pause at the moment you want to accuse: “You don’t care about me.” That is typically secondary emotion, often anger. Instead, translate it into primary emotion and need: “I feel forgotten,” “I’m scared I don’t matter,” “I miss you.” Try “Google Translate ears” when your partner comes in hot: hear the protest as longing, not contempt.
Finally, we explore two tools that reduce defensiveness fast. First: meet dysregulation with compassionate boundaries, not counterattacks. “I see you’re stressed, and I’m interested in what’s driving it,” goes farther than “Why are you so mad?” Second: the “blue frog technique,” which stops the PR campaign. When your partner labels you, don’t debate whether it’s true; ask what it is like to live with the behavior they’re experiencing and what they fear it means. Add generous gratitude for the small, daily wins, especially when your partner is trying, and you create a culture of acceptance that supports growth. If you want deeper emotional connection, better conflict repair, and real attachment security, these EFT-based moves are a strong place to start.