Relationship Churning: The On-Again, Off-Again Cycle | Sarah Halpern-Meekin | #128
In the world of romantic relationships, few patterns are as common yet misunderstood as relationship churning. This pattern—where couples repeatedly break up and get back together with the same partner—affects millions of people across different age groups and relationship stages. According to Dr. Sarah Halpern-Meekin, a leading researcher in this field from the University of Wisconsin-Madison, nearly half of young adults report churning in their present or most recent relationship. This isn't just a fleeting phase; for many, it's a recurring cycle with profound implications for emotional wellbeing and relationship stability.
When we look at relationship churning more closely, two primary forms emerge: breaking up and getting back together with the same person, and having sexual relationships with ex-partners (aptly termed "sex with an ex"). The phenomenon is so prevalent in our culture that it's regularly portrayed in media—from Ross and Rachel's famous "break" in Friends to the tumultuous relationships of celebrities like Khloe Kardashian and Tristan Thompson. These real and fictional examples highlight how relationship churning has captured our collective imagination and experience.
What makes relationship churning particularly fascinating is the psychological and emotional complexity behind it. Data reveals that churning relationships are associated with higher levels of psychological distress, lower relationship satisfaction, decreased commitment, and worse communication between partners. Paradoxically, these relationships also demonstrate higher levels of intimate self-disclosure—partners share deep thoughts and feelings despite their relationship instability. This contradiction suggests that the emotional connection between churning partners often remains strong despite their inability to maintain a consistent relationship.
The impact of relationship churning extends beyond the couple to affect children as well. Research shows that fathers who are in churning relationships tend to remain more involved with their children compared to fathers who completely break up with their partners. However, parents in churning relationships report higher levels of parenting stress than those in stable relationships. This additional stress may contribute to challenges in both the romantic relationship and co-parenting dynamics, creating a cycle that's difficult to break without intervention or significant change.
Various factors contribute to relationship churning. On an individual level, breakups that are one-sided rather than mutual are more likely to lead to churning, as one partner never wanted to end the relationship. High levels of intimate self-disclosure, uncertainty about the reasons for breaking up, and lingering attachments after a breakup all increase the likelihood of reuniting. Additionally, structural factors such as economic distress, incarceration history, and parents' relationship patterns can influence churning behaviors, suggesting that external pressures play a significant role in relationship stability.
For those experiencing or witnessing relationship churning, experts suggest taking time to evaluate whether circumstances have genuinely changed before reconciling. As Dr. Halpern-Meekin advises, it's important to "decide, not slide" back into relationships. This means thoughtfully considering whether the factors that caused the breakup have actually been addressed, rather than reuniting simply to alleviate the emotional pain of separation. Creating space for rational assessment alongside emotional considerations can lead to healthier decisions about whether to continue, end, or transform a relationship.
Building stronger relationships—whether after churning or to prevent it—involves investing time in connection, developing healthy communication skills, and creating clear expectations. These foundational elements help couples manage conflict effectively and understand each other's needs without mind-reading. By focusing on these aspects, couples can develop the resilience and tools needed to navigate challenges without falling into destructive patterns of breaking up and making up.