Growing Our Unity: Practical Science For Stronger Marriages | Susanne Alexander | #161
Unity sounds lofty, but on today’s show we made it practical. Relationship educator and author Suzanne Alexander walked us through how couples can build unity through daily micro habits, shared principles, and research-based tools that are both accessible and hopeful. We explored her new book, Growing Our Unity, and the 19 unifiers that help partners merge their minds and hearts despite modern distractions. The focus stays grounded in simple actions—like celebrations, greetings, and check-ins—that make connection the default rather than the exception. Unity becomes less of a buzzword and more of a routine you can practice together.
A major pillar is the science behind character strengths. Suzanne’s coauthor validated a Character Foundations Assessment that highlights key virtues tied to closeness—truthfulness, flexibility, patience, generosity, and more. Their insight: couples thrive when they intentionally name and acknowledge virtues in each other. Saying “thanks” is good; saying “thank you for your patience” is better because it affirms identity and encourages repetition. This also equips parents to model character for kids. Over time, couples build trust and resilience because positive feedback and shared language shift the tone of everyday life, making warmth and support the norm.
We also challenged assumptions about conflict. Rather than accept constant friction as inevitable, Suzanne invites couples to aim for a culture where unity guides decisions. One tool is the “bowl” method: place a symbolic bowl between you during hard talks, let each person’s words “fall into the middle,” and seek a shared solution that neither would have reached alone. Begin with silence or prayer if you’re spiritual, then sort the principles involved—generosity, responsibility, thrift—and only then brainstorm actions. This slows reactivity, raises curiosity, and turns irritation into an invitation for deeper understanding and peace.
Daily rituals turned out to be the power tools. Simple celebrations of small wins—high fives, a quick hug, a kind word—feed momentum. Greeting and parting rituals anchor the day so reunions feel intentional, not accidental. “Bids for connection” like calling each other to watch a sunset take seconds but signal priority. One couple’s transformation started with noticing a pattern: a stressful commute plus news anger primed every evening for conflict. Switching to music or silence, plus a short decompression window, changed the atmosphere at home. Often, unity grows from tiny, repeatable shifts that remove friction before it starts.
Unity isn’t only inward. Couples who serve in their community often bring home empathy, meaning, and perspective that soften petty frustrations. The key is balance: care for the home team and extend care beyond it. Laughter matters here too. When couples date again, rediscover fun, and allow quirks to be playful rather than prosecutable, smiles return and warmth follows. Friendship is the bedrock that ties it all together. Seeing each other as teammates reframes hard moments, keeps humor alive, and makes it easier to practice those “small things often” that compound into trust, joy, and an enduring stronger marriage connection.